


Love-Hate Relationship

by littlepapaya222



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressed Keith (Voltron), Depression, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) Has BPD, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2019-10-11 00:47:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17436662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlepapaya222/pseuds/littlepapaya222
Summary: Blood.He loved the smell of itPain.He loved the feel of it.He hated to love it.He hated to love it.But he did.And he had to.Because what else could he do?—Or, this is the only way of coping Keith always had access to, and no one else was ever supposed to find outUPDATED AT LEAST ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK. this is not really in the canon universe. well, it is, but it’s adapted to fit the story and also fuck season 8





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: this fic is a MESS. Suicide, vomit, almost overdosing, self-harm, all that jazz. There's a lot of potentially triggering stuff in here, so read with caution.

Keith Kogane looked sick. Maybe that’s because he was.  
His skin was dull and pale. His cheeks hollow, his body weak and thin.

Yet he kept training, he kept skipping meals. He kept on allowing his illness to eat him alive.

He was always the “emo one,” “the loner.” He was always the one that preferred to be by himself, to focus on training and forming Voltron. That’s just how he was. So no one questioned it. Keith knew no one would come looking for him when he skipped a meal or didn’t participate in group hang-outs, like the sleepover last week.

———— one week ago:

“KEITH” Pidge slammed on the door to his bedroom.  
Keith was tired. He was reading in peace and the gremlin just had to come in and interrupt him.  
“What is it?” He yelled through the thick metal.  
Keith could practically feel Pidge put their hands on their hips through the only thing keeping the two apart.  
“I’m coming in,” Pidge announced, stepping through the barrier and presenting themselves to the boy on the bed.  
“Pidge you could have just asked me through the-”  
“Nope! This is a personal invitation. Since we have some downtime, we’re all going to have a sleepover in the common room, and you’re going to join us.”  
Keith set his book down on his lap and stood up from his mattress.  
“Contrary to your belief, no, I am not.”  
Pidge let out a huff, but before they could say anything, Shiro walked through the door.  
“Oh yes you are, Keith. You haven’t attended a group bonding experience in months, you’re coming.”  
Keith crossed his arms, and let a lie slip out.  
“Look, Shiro, I don’t feel well, and I am perfectly content with staying here, reading, and going the hell to bed.”  
Shiro let out a defeated “fine,” and with a sigh, he and the green paladin stepped out of the boy’s room, letting him be. 

Physically, Keith felt fine. But his head was all kinds of not okay. Shiro knew Keith had depression, but that didn’t mean the two ever talked about it. Besides, Keith may trust Shiro with a lot, but there are some things he just can’t bring himself to share.

Keith was having a bad night, so the group sleepover would have to continue without him.

*  
While the pair walked down the hall, Shiro struck up a conversation with Pidge about a certain red paladin.  
“Pidge, sometimes I worry about Keith.”  
“Me too, Shiro… maybe tonight’s just an off night.”  
Shiro shoved his hands into his pajama pockets. “You’re right. I’m sure he’s alright, but remind me to bring him some pain meds later since he’s not feeling well.”  
The end of Shiro’s sentence was punctuated with a pillow to the face as he stepped into the common room. Lance was the culprit, and everyone who has entered the room was greeted with the same treatment.  
Pidge knew what was about to go down: a good old-fashioned pillow fight.  
They quickly grabbed the pillow that had just struck Voltron’s leader and used it to shield themselves from the parade of pillows that pummeled them mercilessly.  
“Alright, alright, you win!!” Pidge laughed, lowering their-pillow shield.  
Lance and Hunk threw one last projectile, finally hitting the green paladin.  
Pidge and Shiro couldn’t help but laugh, happy to be with their team.

Lance was the first to speak after the laughter died down.  
“So..no luck with Mullet-head?”  
Shiro sighed, missing Keith’s energy.  
“Unfortunately, he isn’t feeling well.  
“Again?” Said Allura, stepping into the room with a bowl of what resembled chips.  
Pidge answered Allura’s obviously annoyed response.  
“Yeah, said he’s content with reading and going to bed early. He even had his glasses on already.

Lanced laughed at the thought of Keith in his glasses, he thought they looked adorable on the long-haired boy, but he’d never tell him that.  
Hunk leaned over to grab the space chips from Allura. “Wow, glasses and everything. I guess it’s best not to bother him now.”  
Coran looked up from the projector he and Pidge had started to fiddle with. “Well, he’ll just have to miss some old altean classics! I found these in storage the other day and thought it’d be great to have a movie night!”  
The others smiled in agreement, not knowing of the torment their teammate was dealing with back in his room.

*  
Keith had already in the shower for forty minutes. He was telling himself not to do it, but he just felt so numb, so devoid of emotion. He needed to feel something. Normally he’d just go to the training deck and wait for the robots to beat him up, but tonight he was too tired.

Along with having Major Depressive Disorder, Keith also had insomnia. He barely slept most nights, and when he did get some shut-eye his slumber was plagued with nightmares. Tonight was yet another night where he knew he wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon.

He let the hot water run over his body, He was muscular and toned, but he still didn’t eat enough, so he was too thin for his physique. Keith had never been a big eater. From abusive foster homes to being alone on the streets, he knew he needed to ration what he could get his hands on. He understood that food was a blessing and that he needed to savor it, and never eat it all at once. This habit stuck with him, and will most likely continue to stick with him, for the rest of his life.

Keith felt dirty. Like he had done something wrong. Like someway, somehow, he had wronged the Gods, subjecting him to a life of torture. He took a shower every night because of this. They were always too long and too hot, but he didn’t care, because he liked the pain the heat of the water gave him, he loved to hate the stinging feeling on his shoulders. It distracted him from the razors sitting on the hip-level shelf below him. It was a love-hate relationship.

Old scars on his upper arms and legs began to itch more and more as the shower grew hotter and hotter and longer and longer. Keith hadn’t cut much in maybe three months, so he wasn’t that clean, he still was an addict in recovery. He knew as soon as he picked up the razor he wouldn’t be able to stop until his clothes ran red with his own blood. But he desperately wanted it. No, he needed it.

Keith didn’t have a reason to slice his arms like butter. Keith didn’t have a reason to butcher himself other than that it was a way to feel again. It was the best way to feel again. Besides, in some sick, twisted way, he absolutely loved the feeling. He craved the feeling of his pale skin splitting so willingly for the sharp edge of the razor. All he wanted was to feel something again, anything again, so he picked up the razor from the shelf, and held it close to him, before doing his damage.

He loved the way the cuts stung from the hot water. He loved how they looked; red lines decorating his pale skin, in disturbingly perfect contrast. Keith knew he was an addict, but besides being a way to feel again, this was the only way to take out what little motion he had left.  
Sure, he could train, he could bother lance, hell, he could do a multitude of things to release pent-up anger. But nothing was the same as butchering his soft arms and legs. Nothing was the same as the feeling of euphoria he got from pressing razors into his skin so easily. Nothing was the same as the sting he got from the impact. He hated to love it so much, he knew that it was bad for him. But he was addicted to the pain. He loved it more than he would ever love himself. Alas, it was a love-hate relationship.


	2. End Training Sequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training was one of Keith’s many unhealthy coping mechanisms. He’d train until he physically could not anymore. This night was no different.

“Begin training sequence 10,” Keith called out into the void. He was angry, that was for sure. He wanted to hit something, he wanted to scream and cry and cause damage to something. The training deck at 2 am was perfect.

Keith screamed as he full body-slammed an incoming bot. He threw his whole self into the metal and allowed the bot to strike him as much as it wanted to before he took out his Bayard and annihilated it. Three bots came after that, and Keith was careless. He allowed each new attacker to strike him down at will.

Keith didn’t stop until he hit sequence 25 ninety minutes later. His body shook in pain, and he loved it. He loved the burn he got from letting the bots wreck him. He let the bots bruise him and beat him the way his foster parents used to do. 

Keith laughed, he laughed. He allowed the sound to escape his lips and he lay, curled up on himself on the ground just laughing like there was no tomorrow. The bots kept coming, he couldn’t breathe from the wave that was crashing onto him

He finally let out a shaky, “E-end training seq-sequence.” He wheezed as his forced himself to stand, limping over to where he could check his stats, He did poorly, he knew that. Doing well wasn’t the point. He just wanted to smash something. Hell, he wanted something to beat him up. He missed getting in fights back at school. It was exhilarating, and the bots would never let up unless he wanted them to.

He shakily walked himself back to his room. Once he stumbled into the familiar cold, he fell onto the bed and stripped himself of his armor, taking a moment to examine the damage the bots have done.

He had a massive bruise on his right ribcage, his thighs were covered in smaller bruises. He had a gash on his cheek and his calf. He went into the bathroom to disinfect the wounds and allowed the wound cleaner to sting his body, making him tremble all over.

He wasn’t a masochist necessarily. He just loved the feeling of feeling. He was so numb every day, and the pain was so easy to access, so he allowed himself to feel all the pain he could, because what else would he be able to feel? What else could Keith do? It’s not like he could go back to Earth and go to therapy, he didn’t have any alcohol and Shiro would kill him if he started drinking again. The pain was the only option, and it was the best option.

Keith Was still bruised and bloody, so he turned the water on his shower to the hottest temperature, and stepped in. It stung. The water burned through his soul as he scrubbed at his body. He tried to get all the dirt away. All the feelings of uselessness and sadness. He stayed like that for at least half an hour. 

When he finally stepped out of the shower, he dressed his wounds and took some painkillers Coran had made so he could maybe, maybe fall asleep. His body was so exhausted he easily succumbed to slumber.

When he woke up, he realized why training like that was so bittersweet. He knew his teammates would ask about his new uh… decorations. They’d definitely see the cut on his face and the bruises on his arms. What should he say? Should he tell them the truth and say that he was training late last night? That seemed like the only option, but he’d leave out the part where he let the bots come at him until level 25. 

He stumbled into the kitchen where the other paladins hadn’t arrived yet. Keith was exhausted, but he had to wake up early. His body had developed some kind of internal clock to wake up at 5 am, most likely due to living with abusive foster parents. It would be at least another two hours before anyone else arrived in the kitchen, so Keith made himself a sort-of smoothie with some Earth ingredients they had picked up on their last trip there. It was loud, but he needed the sound to wake him up.

The nose of the blender did not wake him up at all, however, because soon enough, after fixing his smoothie and sitting down at one of the stools, he passed out, face first into the countertop. That’s what less than three hours of sleep over a whole week will give you.

That’s exactly why his vigorous training habits were a love-hate relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who's read this so far! I'm working really hard to dish out updates as much as possible but midterms are killing me haha. Sorry this chapter is so short! also, check out my other fic on Instagram, @alteacoffecompany.


	3. How to make LSD in Your Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting high on your own supply has always been something Keith has warned himself of, but he didn’t exactly have anyone to give hs supply to so… high on his own supply, he got.

Keith knew a lot of things he probably shouldn’t. He knew how to kill someone with a hat pin, he knew how to make his own booze, he even knew how to build a bomb. Among other things, he could also make LSD in his kitchen. He didn’t do it often, but fuck he really needed something to make him feel that didn’t involve worried glances from his team and bloody arms.

Since the night of the sleepover, Keith had been a wreck. For some reason he wasn’t just having an off night, it was a whole off week. He was an absolute mess. He was training every single night into the ungodly hours of the morning and slicing himself like butter until his whole body ached.

He’d do anything to feel, but unfortunately, his teammates had started to notice his strange behavior. He skipped most meals, was training constantly, and never spoke. He was mist. only appearing in the early morning and disappearing before things heated up.

Fortunately, he had an idea of how to feel again. He wasn’t going to hurt himself necessarily, but rather revert to an old hobby. It was time to pull out his old tricks and get good old fashioned fucked up.

*  
“Alright paladins, Coran and I need to pick up some supplies for the ship, so we’re heading to the biggest space mall in the ten nearest galaxies.”

Allura’s address to the paladins had Keith’s lips curling up into a smirk. He knew about this space mall and was bloody excited to raid it. He needed a plethora of things for what he wanted to do. Besides, since this space mall happened to be the biggest any of the paladins had ever seen, Keith knew there would be a dark corner somewhere where he could get exactly what he wanted.

He made a list.

1\. 110cc wood alcohol  
2\. morning glory or Hawaiian Woodrose seeds  
3\. petroleum ether  
4\. space booze

alright, he may have to settle for the space version of some of the things, but honestly, as long as he could get the booze he’d be fine. Or, his version of fine. 

He didn’t have to be okay, he just had to feel.

*  
The team had three hours. That was more than enough for Keith. He’s heard about some shady aliens who dealt illegal Earth ingredients, so he took off to find one as soon as the small transport ship touched down on the planet the mall was on. Allura and Shiro had stayed behind to guard the ship, while Coran and Lance went off to find Supplies. Hunk and Pidge went off together, of course, leaving Keith to do whatever he wanted.

His first stop was the most popular in the whole mall, but it wasn’t what Coran would drag Lance to and Hunk and Pidge only wanted to check out the alien tech. Keith could browse without worry. He smiled mischievously as he walked through the doorway, the big flashing sign above reading, “All the Way from Earth.”

Several alien storeworkers came up to him instantly, eager to help the attractive new customer get whatever he wanted. Keith was relieved to be able to find help so easily.  
“I uh, I’m looking for an Earth chemical, do you have those?”  
One of the aliens lit up and grabbed Keith’s hand.  
“Yes, sir! We have a wide selection of Earth chemicals! What exactly are you looking for?”  
The cheerful alien pulled Keith away from the door deeper into the store as she(?) spoke,   
Keith struggled to find his words. He wasn't used to this much energy bombarding him at once. “I’m looking for uh, methanol?” His voice picked up at the end of the sentence, and he found his voice again. “Yeah, methanol, some people call it wood alcohol. I need 110 cc’s.”  
The alien’s attitude switched from boisterous to quiet and nervous… “Yes sir, we have it, but... That’s a very dangerous chemical, do you know what you're doing with it.”  
Keith responded almost a little too eagerly, pleased the strange store carried what he needed.   
“Yes, my uh, my ship needs a special kind of fuel mixture. It requires methanol and I’m running low.”  
The lie seemed to convince the store clerk, and soon enough Keith had more than enough methanol on his hands.

He could cross one item off his list. One down, three to go. He looked through the chemical section and stumbled upon petroleum ether in the ‘P’ section. That happened to be exactly what he needed. Next stop was finding the seeds.

Fortunately, earth seeds and plants were fairly close by, so he grabbed a few packets of morning glory seeds, paid for his goods, and left the store. He threw the various items in his backpack and wandered through the space mall looking for some kind of liquor store. He needed alcohol more than he realized. He missed the burn of whiskey traveling down his throat and the feeling of drunken courage. He really, really needed it.   
RIght by the directory he was looking at, was an “old fashioned” weapons store.  
“Oh fuck yeah,” Keith thought to himself, mentally noting the location of the liquor store.

Keith walked into the dimly lit shop, and his eyes lit up. It wasn’t just an old fashioned weapon store like the thought, it was all knives, his particular weapon of choice. He was immediately drawn to a stunning piece of weaponry in a glass display case. It was a throwing knife, something Keith hadn’t used since he was back at the desert. Of course, he brought his favorite knives with him to space in his bag but left his throwing knives at home. He asked permission from the elderly store owner to pick up the beautiful piece and felt the familiar weight in his hand.

It entirely got black, with a carved wooden handle. Damn, was she gorgeous. Keith had never drooled over an object more. He bought it immediately. Besides, it may come in handy one day. 

Once the red paladin had successfully gathered all of his supplies, in under forty-five minutes, no less, it was time to head back to the castle ship. He knew Allura and Shiro would be discussing some important business, so he could sneak into the ship with ease. Besides, Keith was well trained in hiding things from his “older brother.”

Once he was back in his room, he looked at his bounty. WIth what he had, it would take just under a week to make his specialty; LSD. Keith wasn’t a drug dealer, he just knew a lot about them. Like hell he wasn’t going to use that information. 

Instead of starting right away, he just got bloody hammered. Adam, Shiro’s boyfriend back on Earth was one hell of a bartender, and Keith used to watch him make drinks at the ripe age of thirteen. So needless to say, Keith, once again, knew a lot of things he probably shouldn’t.

He wasn’t going to make anything fancy, he didn’t have anything to mix a drink with, so he settled for downing a whole bottle of space booze instead.

The bitter liquid sailed down his throat. He knew he’d be tipsy soon enough, so he sat down on the ground to avoid falling. Keith could handle alcohol pretty well, so he bought the strongest damn kind he could find. Pretty soon Keith felt euphoria creeping up his body. He was excited, he hadn’t been drunk in a while and he almost missed the feeling. At this moment it’s all he wanted to feel. He wouldn’t have to cut himself or have the training bots annihilate him, all he needed was a trip to the space mall. 

After a bottle and a half, Keith tried to stand up to hide the empty bottles, and after doing so, stumbled around his room before blacking out.

God, that was going to hurt in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a BITCH to write. I promise I'll start putting out better writing soon. In the meantime, thanks for all your support!


	4. Just Like Butter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith wakes up with a killer hangover and causes more damage to himself than he should have. His skin is just like butter under the heat of the shower.

Fuck. Keith groaned as he tossed and turned in bed. He knew there was another diplomatic mission today, but there was no way he was getting up anytime soon. He was never good with diplomatic missions anyways. 

This was worse than a hangover. He felt like he was dying, and like his body was burning alive. He was getting hot and cold flashes, he was constantly on the verge of blacking out and falling over. He tried to stand but his knees crumpled underneath of him.

Keith lay, seemingly lifeless, on the floor of his bedroom. He passed out again.

Shiro’s the one that found him, but by the time that he did the alcohol scent was off of Keith’s lips.

The older man pulled Keith off the ground frantically, but careful not to hurt him. It looked like a common cold, or something from Earth, not a fucking space hangover. Soon enough the hungover red paladin was in bed, still passed out. Shiro had a feeling something was up, that this wasn’t just some sickness, but he couldn’t fear the worse, so he headed to inform the others of Keith’s apparent sickness.

*  
“Team, we have a predicament. It seems that Keith has contracted some sort of disease. The symptoms don’t seem too bad. He’s feverish and a little out of it. I recommend he stay here while the rest of us go on today’s mission. He’s passed out in bed and I don’t think he’ll be getting up anytime soon.” 

“I completely agree with you, Shiro. Coran, you can stay here and ensure Keith is alright. Paladins, we’ll be reaching our destination in about a Varga, I suggest you go change.”

Shiro pulled Allura aside after she addressed the team.

“Princess, what are the effects of alcohol in space.”  
“Well Earth alcohol is commonly found in the larger space malls, but other than that we have few things similar among different alien cultures. Many are mood-changing, and some have some nasty side effects.”  
Shiro shook that idea out of his head. Keith wasn’t hungover. He was sick, or something, but no way was he hungover.

Spoiler alert, Keith was, in fact, hungover

Back in his room, the red paladin was stirring awake. His head throbbed in pain and is whole body felt hot. In irritation. He was dizzy, and couldn’t get up out of bed without stumbling. SO that’s how Keith spent his hangover; in bed, groaning, and feeling as if he should be dead already. 

Just a few hours later the castle was quiet, aside from the dull omnipresent hum the ship produced. Keith finally had enough energy to stand up and change after yesterday’s clothes.

He stripped off his shirt, bruises and scars littering his body. He ran his pale fingers over the lines and ridges on his arms and pressed down hard on the dark purple splotches. That’s when he felt it. The urge that crept up his ankles and into his soul. He was pretty much alone in the castle. He could spend as much time as he wanted to in the shower. He could let the water run red and no one would be there to rescue him.

Keith was on autopilot. His legs carried himself to the bathroom without him even deciding to walk. His arms opened the cabinet as his head lulled to the side. He was in a dream-like state, nothing felt real. Was he even here? Drinking again would leave him as a hindrance to the team, so other measures needed to be taken. He needed to do something to feel real again.

He opened a new pack of razors he managed to pick up at the space mall. The shower ran hot as he removed the rest of his clothing. He took out his contacts in the mirror and let his eyes adjust to their absence.

The familiar sting of the boiling water left Keith’s skin pink as it ran over his head and body. The red paladin stood there, curling in on himself. His arms wrapped around his torso as he adjusted to the heat of the shower. Steam swam through the bathroom, humidity rising and dew forming on the mirror.

To an outsider, it was a shower. To Keith, it was an escape.

He pressed the cool razor into his warm skin and struck his pale body. Over, and over, and over again until the water ran red. As much as he wants to, he can’t cry. Pain is the only thing he can feel and he’s addicted to it. He loved the sting of the water in the open wounds. He knew he shouldn’t love it, and he knew he was an addict, but when he saw the way his blood spilled from his limbs it was worth it.  
He wasn’t worth it.

All Keith did was push people away. He felt as if team Voltron was his family, but he couldn't bring himself to tell them anything. He had anger problems and was always so fucking sad, so he became the emotionally weak link of the team. He refused to do team bonding activities and was reckless on the battlefield.

All he did anymore was put himself in danger because what else was he supposed to do?

He was so emotionless that he had to resort to hurting himself.  
He watched as the razors opened his skin like butter. Damn, that’d take a while to heal. He carved into himself and let the blood bead and slide down his damp skin.

Soon a few cuts turned into a waterfall. He’d passed out from blood loss before, and he knew if he kept going it’d happen again. He didn’t want to worry the team so he stopped. He let the water sting him and wash away what was on his skin. The blood kept coming. He applied pressure to it with a washcloth, but it kept coming. He stumbled out of the shower and dried his arm with a towel. Keith carefully took care of his damaged body. He applied gauze to his arms, legs, and stomach, and wrapped them in long, paper bandages. 

He dried off and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a black t-shirt. He still had a few bottles of space alcohol, so he downed the equivalent of a beer or two and headed to the common room. He wanted to numb the pain after feeling it again. He was too far out of his comfort zone and needed to feel nothing again. He didn’t want any other emotions besides that brief feeling of pain.

What Keith didn’t expect was for him to still be feverish and weak from his hangover. He thought it would have started to wear off, but the effects were still very strong.  
He stumbled through the hallways of the ship and slipped. Like walking on butter, his legs slid out from underneath him and he crumpled to the ground with a thud.

Everything today felt just like butter. 

Hopefully, he’d wake up before his team came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck, Y'all, this chapter took me forever to write I just haven't been motivated at all. I might go away for a little while pretty soon, as I'm going to start being honest with my therapist, so I'll see how all that goes. I really hope ou all are enjoying this so far though! ps my tumblr is littlepapaya222


	5. Something's Up With Keith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith didn't wake up before the team arrived

Keith was lying face flat on the floor of the castle. His arms and legs were splayed out as he reached for the common room. Had he been awake, he would have heard the team enter the castle after a full day mission. When they all went to the common room to rest, Pidge found him lying 50 feet away from the common room doors. The young paladin panicked.

”SHIRO! CORAN! SOMEBODY COME QUICK KEITH IS UNCONSCIOUS!”

Shiro and Lance were there in a flash, Coran and Hunk following a few seconds later. 

Lance was the one to point out the elephant in the room. 

“Guys… he smells like alcohol.”

Pidge’s eyes grew wide, they swore under their breath.

”Quiznack, someone get him to his room, or the common room, or something.”

Shiro picked up the unconscious red paladin and lay him gently on the common room couch

Just then, Allura came in.

”Paladins, I heard Pidge yell. What's going on?”

Lance answered for everyone,   
”Keith blacked out and probably drank earlier today. I've got a feeling he's been hungover all day.”  
”Hungover? What's that?”  
Pidge responded this time, ”Basically after you’ve had too much alcohol your body revolts.”

Before Pidge finished their sentence, Keith started to open his eyes. His hand went to his forehead and he let out a groan as he curled himself into a ball.

Shiro rushed to his side, “Keith, Keith listen to me are you alright?”

The boy in question groaned again. ”It hurrrrrts.”

Pidge laughed, ”Clearly, you're curled up groaning on the couch.”

Shiro sported a concerned look on his face. ”Keith, I think you and I need to chat, I'll take you back to your room.”

Keith protested, but the older man picked him up with ease, leaving the other paladins concerned in the common room.

*  
”Keith, you're drinking again.”  
”Mm no, I'm not.”

The smaller boy held onto his blanket as he sat propped up on a pillow in bed. Shiro had taken him back to his room as promised.

”Yes, you are.”  
Keith started to sober up.  
”What makes you say that?”  
Shiro held up two beer bottles, “This does. I don’t know how you even got this but you cannot be getting drunk on this ship.”

“Mmm I can do whatever I want,” Keith sighed. He was getting tired, and his eyes starting drooping as his “brother” drilled him on the downsides to alcohol.

“Look, Keith, I won’t lecture you any longer because you’re obviously not listening to me but please, you’re 19, you can’t drink yet, and I won’t allow you to drink on this ship.”  
“Fine, but only if you leave and let me go the fuck to sleep.”  
“Language, Keith.”

Shiro smiled softly as the younger, hungover boy hid under the covers.

“Goodnight Keith… I’m talking to the team about your problem… We’re worried about you.”

Keith was already asleep.

Shiro was worried about him. Keith started drinking around age 14 and used it as a way to cope. Shiro knew this but he thought his baby brother would stop once they had the universe to defend. Something was obviously bothering the younger boy, but he wasn’t telling anyone anything. They’d be stopping at Earth soon for a few days, so Shiro planned on inspecting Keith for any alcohol before they boarded and left the ship. He had to protect him.

Keith was far from fine. He felt like everything was wrong with him. The spiral started when he found out he was half galra and he’s been unable to cope with it since. He planned on visiting a therapist during the few days he’d have on Earth. Hell, he probably needed to be hospitalized.

No way was he telling the team anything. He trusted them well enough, but no one was allowed to know what was going on inside his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A kinda short chapter to make up for the wait on chapter 4! I've already planned everything out so updates should be coming out pretty fast :) ps my tumblr and instagram are both littlepapaya222


	6. We had a Bonding Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith has a panic attack. Lance is there to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a relatively short chapter I hope that's okay! I haven't been doing well the past few days but I'm working really hard to get this finished as quick as possible. my tumblr is littlepapaya222 <3

Keith was shaking uncontrollably. His whole body trembled and sweat as he rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor. Being the leader of Voltron was unbearable, and so, so overwhelming. Sure, a new castle of lions was built for smaller missions, and sure, Shiro was back, and they had the atlas to dock at whenever they needed to, and Zarkon was no longer a problem, BUT STILL. The whole situation was a lot for Keith.

They’d been discussing plans for a potential journey into the quintessence field. Keith was opposed to the idea from the start, as quintessence was very dangerous, but Allura was adamant on getting Lotor back if at all possible.

The two paladins fought for a while until Keith was getting angry and teary-eyed. He didn’t want to risk the life of his family for Lotor.

So he ran into his room, crying, and now here he is, on the ground, curled up in a ball.

He was sweating like crazy, and couldn’t catch his breath. He gasped for air and clutched onto himself like he was trying to keep his soul from falling apart.

He knew what this was; it was a panic attack. The boy hadn’t had one in years he almost didn’t recognize it, until the shaking and the sweating kicked in.   
He was breathing heavy and at times felt like he couldn’t breathe at all. Air escaped his lungs and he choked on air as it flew out, unable to do anything about it.

He cried about his abusive foster parents, how he felt so damn useless in every home he went to. How he was reckless on the streets of Texas, even landing himself in juvie a time or two. He was such a hassle, god he hated himself so much.

He was worthless to everyone but Voltron. How shitty it was to rely on giant space cats for comfort. Anger was the only emotion he ever felt besides pain. He didn’t understand anything else. That made him such a weak link in the other paladins' eyes, so he thought. He knew he had problems, he knew he’d be a burden if he tried to talk about them.

Keith hated himself more than anything, Tonight was one of those nights where he wanted to die. He really, really wanted to die. But instead of cutting himself like he’d normally do, he got angry

He started punching himself the way the training bots would do. He knocked over his dresser and threw his pillows at the wall like he was fighting a Galra soldier. It wasn’t enough. 

He kicked his door, he threw his knives and punches at the grey walls of his room, he caused a ruckus and ruined his entire room, but he kept punching the walls until his knuckles were red.

Lance, who was walking down the hall to check on Keith, heard all of this. The screaming, the crying, and now the dull thuds that were emitting from the old red paladin’s room.

Lance didn’t even bother knocking. He rushed into the room and was greeted with a sobbing Keith laying on the ground curled around a pillow.

The old blue paladin raced to Keith’s side and scooped him off of the ground, allowing the boy to press close to Lance’s chest and wet his shirt with tears.

This would have been romantic had Keith not been crying, but Lance would do anything to care for his long-term crush.

Sobs racked Keith’s body as Lance sat down on the bed. Keith wrapped his arms around Lance's neck and cried for hours, allowing the tears to flow down his face until there weren’t anymore.   
Soon enough, Keith stopped crying and fell fast asleep on Lance’s chest. Lance was getting tired too, so there wasn’t any harm in spending the night with Keith… right?

*   
The following morning, Lance would up before Keith and immediately knew he shouldn't be there. He slept next to KEITH. His crush he’s had for years. Lance felt like he took advantage of him, like he shouldn’t have barged in on Keith’s panic attack, but like hell was he going to leave his teammate like that.  
*  
For the following week, the two paladins mostly ignored each other, but it was Keith who looked embarrassed to even be in the same room as Lance. He wouldn’t eat at the same time, and wouldn’t even look at him if they were ever together.

Keith should have pushed Lance away. He shouldn’t have allowed Lance to see him like that. The leader of Voltron was weak. He allowed someone to see him at one of his lowest points, and he was going to punish himself for it.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID, he thought as the training bot sliced into him at around 2 in the morning.  
The boy had been raining all night and avoiding everyone all day. He hadn’t had a proper meal in four days and hadn’t seen Shiro in two.

The whole team was getting worried.

It was day six of the Keith Kogane shutdown and no one could get through to him. Shiro tried to get into his room but it was locked. Keith had had Pidge remove the lock override his room had in the castle, so there was no way to get in there. Everyone was concerned, but Lance was more than anyone.

*  
That night the castle residents, minus Keith, were having dinner when Lance spoke up.

“Guys, I think I know why Keith is acting like this.” Everyone at the table fell silent and looked at the boy. Lance sighed. “He had a panic attack the other night. I found him when I went to go check on him and he ended up crying into my shoulder for a solid two hours.”

Shiro stood up from the table, “Keith feels weak. You saw him at a bad time and now he doesn’t want to see anyone at all. I’m getting into his room whether he likes it or not.”

*  
Keith certainly did not like it, but when Shiro came to his door for the eighth time that day, he gave up, and let him in.

Shiro ran to his teammate and hugged him close.

“Keith, you should have told me.”  
“Told you wha- Lance told you about the other night, didn’t he. Damn it.” Keith grumbled into Shiro’s shoulder and sighed.  
“I didn’t want to worry you.”  
“I’m your brother, it’s my job to worry about you.”  
“Shut up you’re not even my real brother.”  
Shiro faked offense, but then a smirk crept up on his lips. He reached out to touch the younger boy, and started tickling him until Keith cried   
“UNCLE! SHiro sto-stop oh my god that- AH! That tickles stop it! Okay okay you’re my real brother you’re my real brother I swear gOD.”  
“There ya go. Now, I want you to tell me if something like that happens again. We’re going to Earth in a day or two and spending about a week there, I expect you won’t do anything uh… illegal while you’re unsupervised?”  
“Jeez, Shiro, I promise I’ll be fine.”

Shiro laughed and put his hand on Keith’s shoulder.

“C’mon, the team is waiting for you in the dining hall.”


	7. Got Diagnosed with Cool Guy Syndrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith Kogane visits his old doctors on Earth and spends a few too many nights in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry this took so long to crank out. i'm in a really bad place right now and can't get motivated whatsoever :/ anyways, remember to drop a comment and let me know your thoughts!

Aside from eating dinner, Keith stayed isolated from the team. He especially avoided Lance. Keith was the leader of Voltron. He wasn’t supposed to seem weak or vulnerable, he was supposed to be strong. He only talked to Shiro for the two days it took to get to Earth. 

Lance tried to catch Keith before they all left the atlas, but Keith had disappeared as soon as they docked at the garrison.

Soon the elusive Keith Kogane was nowhere to be found as the rest of the team met with the commanders in chief at the Garrison. Lance couldn’t focus. He wanted to see his family and leave as Keith did. Keith of all people should have stayed, being the leader of Voltron he should have stayed to make sure everything was okay. But he didn’t, and he wasn't there. So now, Shiro, Lance, and Allura were in charge. Well, mostly Shiro and Allura. Despite being Keith’s right-hand man, Lance still had little say in what the team did.

Lance couldn’t focus on the meetings Voltron attended at all. Where was Keith? He was, quite honestly, worried sick. Keith was probably off doing something reckless or getting drunk out at some bar and UGH Lance had to find him.

Shir, however, urged him not to worry about his crush, as Shiro had things under control.  
Lance didn’t believe him one bit, but where would Keith even be? He had no family or real friends in Texas. All he had was a lonely shack in the desert, but why would he race to get back there?

That’s exactly what Keith was doing- racing back to his shack in the desert. He had stolen yet another transport vehicle from a teacher at the Garrison, just like he did with Shiro. He’d bring it back, probably, but he had other things on his mind. He missed his motorcycle.

It was his dad’s and was one of the last things Keith ever had of his. It stayed at the shack in the desert, for the most part, and Keith tinkered with it once in a while. He loved riding it whenever he could, and now he needed it more than ever. 

Back at the shack, he found her, his old bike. That, along with his dad’s old leather jacket. It fit him perfectly. His red one was getting old, anyway.

Outside at his bike, he put on the familiar helmet and adjusted to its weight. His hair tickled the back of his neck and he coughed from the dust the helmet had gathered.

Pidge had made the whole team communication devices, and Keith’s was vibrating like crazy. It was all from Lance and Shiro. Wait, Lance? Why was Lance so worried about him? Keith blushed a little thinking about how Lance was thinking about him but… he had other things to do.

He knew the address of where he needed to go. He went there for anger problems a long time ago, his dad and his foster parents tried to fix him. Keith wasn’t broken, he didn’t need to be fixed, but right now he needed some help.

Luckily his old therapist, Rachel Hutchinson, was still in town

*

He raced down the highway, positive that in his travel he sped by Shiro and Lance in a car from the Garrison.

“Whoah, wait, is that Keith? Shiro does Mullett boy have a MOTORCYCLE?”  
“Lance, calm down, yes, Keith does have a motorcycle but he hasn’t ridden it in years..”  
Suddenly traffic came to a stop at a red light. Keith stopped on his bike a few cars away from Shiro’s car.   
“Holy shit that’s Keith.”  
“Language, Shiro.”  
Lance got a mild punch to the arm for that one, but Shiro chuckled as the cars started to move forward.  
“Keith is kinda hot…” Lance whispered to himself. Or, at least he thought he whispered.  
“I KNEW it! You’ve got a thing for Keith! Oh my god I’m so happy I’ve been waiting for o-” He clapped one hand over his mouth.  
“Shiro!! What were you going to say does he like me back? There’s no way oh my god why would he like me back? Fuck and I just confessed to you and God only knows if you’ll keep that secret.”  
Shiro took his hand down from his mouth and laughed as he placed it on Lance’s shoulder.   
“Lance, I won’t tell anyone, I promise. But you should talk to Keith soon… You may have more in common than you realize.”  
Shiro smirked and turned the radio on higher so he didn’t have to listen to Lance’s confused rambling as they drove to the Serrano household.

*

Keith pulled into the parking lot of the psychological services center. He hadn’t been here in years, but now he knew he needed help. Now he understood that he couldn’t fight this alone. 

Keith walked into the familiar waiting room. It was almost empty that afternoon, and the receptionist gasped when she saw him.  
“Keith Kogane, is that you?”  
“Yes ma’am, I haven’t seen this place in a long time. Is Rachel or Dr. Andrews available?  
“They both are, would you like to see them?”  
“That would be wonderful, thank you.”  
“I’ll let Dr. Hutchinson know you’re here. You’ll see Dr. Andrews right after.”

Keith sat down in the waiting room, and soon he was in his old therapist’s office.

After 45 minutes of catching up, and explaining how he felt, she sent him in to see who he really needed, Dr. Andrews. The young doctor had seen Keith when he was in the foster system for the brief time that he was on mood stabilizers to control his anger. 

“I miss being on mood stabilizers, and Rachel thinks I’m depressed.”  
“Do you think you’re depressed?”  
“Honestly that would make a lot of sense.”  
“Dr. Hutchinson told me about your addiction problem. I think you need to be evaluated at the hospital. Do you have a way to get there?”  
“Yes, I do, but is that really necessary? I only have a few days here before I have to leave again.”  
“Keith, you need help. I’m prescribing you antidepressants and your mood stabilizers again. I want you to give Adderall a shot, especially since you’re not experiencing as many depressing thoughts as other patients. This is one case where feeling nothing might be good, eh?”  
“Bad joke, Dr. Andrews, but I’ll head to the pharmacy soon.”

Keith and the Doctor spent a while longer discussing his treatment, and then Keith was on his way to the pharmacy and then the hospital. He really didn't want to go to the hospital. It was nerve-racking and uncomfortable. 

Theoretically, Keith only needed to spend the night there. He was treated for his wounds and the doctors made sure nothing was infected. He was evaluated by another psychologist and someone who called himself a “mental health specialist.” Both of the doctors thought he was bipolar, so he was put on even more medication Keith hated taking medication.

Keith was itching to hurt himself that night. He’d been put in a psych ward to be monitored and was supposed to be released the next morning. However, he had this ridiculous urge to carve into himself and feel the blood flow out of his body. He scratched and tore at his skin, wishing he had something other than his fingernails. The security guard outside noticed this on the cameras in the room, and Keith was pulled out and calmed down by two doctors who rushed to his side.

It was decided that Keith would stay for two more nights, just before he had to leave Earth again.  
This’d be a rough few days.


	8. Target Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith Kogane snaps and the team pays the price.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this will be my last update for a while. I'm heading to a mental hospital tomorrow morning and staying there for a while. I'll be writing again as soon as I feel okay, and am back home. I send you all my love and I hope you enjoy this venty chapter.

Ever since the team had returned to space, Keith’s insomnia had been taking its toll. The boy had stopped sleeping all together, as he just couldn’t. He’d spent too many sleepless nights on the training deck, and the team was starting to take note of his fatigue.

Along with not sleeping more than a few hours for the past week, Keith had completely stopped eating. He “never had the appetite” and even when Shiro brought food to his room, it would return to the kitchen untouched. Keith had started to worry the others. He looked sick. Well, er, sicker than usual, and there was no spark in his eyes when he defeated a training bot.

Not only did the young man look like a walking corpse, but his agitated and angry mood was persistent. He felt as if he no longer had control over his own body. He’d punch walls and yell at his teammates. Every day he had to walk out of the room during a team discussion just because of the pure irritation bubbling in his stomach.

His makeshift family was concerned about their black paladin.

Keith brushed off their concern, this always happened when he was stressed, so he must just be nervous for yet another diplomatic mission.  
That’s what he thought for the past week. But he was wrong.

The fateful day where everything went wrong began in the common room when Shiro tried to get him to move off the couch.

“Shiro why don’t you just FUCK OFF! YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT YOUR’E TAKING CARE OF US, LIKE YOUR’E OUR FUCKING DAD OR SOMETHING! I am NOT moving off this goddamn couch. I RIGHTFULLY claimed this position and you have NO RIGHT to come into MY SPACE and tell ME to MOVE.”

Shiro’s eyes grew wide. Keith had never yelled at him like that, and over the damn couch?

OVER THE DAMN COUCH?

Before Shiro could say anything, Keith started again.

‘YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN’T FUCKING CONTROL ME, SHIRO! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE, I CAN’T HANDLE YOU! FUCK!” 

And with that, Keith stormed out just as the other paladins walked in to see what all the commotion was about.

“Yo, what’s up with Keith? Is he on his man-period or something?”

“Lance, no, that’s not ho-”

Shiro sighed. “Something’s wrong with him. He hasn’t eaten or slept in days, he’s clearly irritated, and he’s not taking care of himself at all. Can one of you please go check on him? He definitely doesn’t want to see me right now.”

Hunk and Pidge receded into the hallway, leaving Lance to face Shiro. He audibly swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I guess I’ll do it”

*

What Lance was greeted with, he was not expecting. Keith was screaming and throwing his fists at the wall in rage. Honestly, Lance was terrified to go in there, but he promised Shiro he would. So he knocked. He heard an angry voice from inside.

‘What the FUCK do you want?”

Lance stepped into the messy room to find the hot-headed boy before him sweating and bleeding. 

“Keith are you okay we’re all pretty worried about y-”  
“What the fuck do you have to be worried about? I’m fucking fine, Lance.”

Keith snarled, splotches of purple dotted his skin and his eyes began to shift to amber. 

“Whoah there buddy, I was just checking in! You haven’t been eating much and you seem really irritated-”

“Irritated? IRRITATED? I’m not fucking irritated, Lance, I’m FURIOUS. All of you think you can control me and tie me down, you all are being such BITCHES! I can’t HANDLE IT. FUCK YOU GUYS!!”

Lance took a step back. Keith's fists greeted the way with an angry slam.

“Keith I- we just want to help you!”

“HELP ME? ALL ANY OF YOU ARE DOING IS MAKING IT WORSE! DON”T YOU REALIZE THAT! YOU ALL DON’T NEED TO HELP ME, I CAN HANDLE THINGS MYSELF, DAMMIT!”

Lance shuddered, Keith’s anger rushing over him like water, all he wanted to do was help his friend! And now he was getting yelled at for nothing! Keith was going full GALRA on him when all he wanted to do was check in on his fucking teammate!! Lance had had enough.

“YOU KNOW WHAT KEITH? YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE LONE WOLF ALL THE GODDAMN TIME! YOU CAN TRUST US, YOU KNOW! WE’RE YOUR FUVKING TEAMMATES, SO ACT LIKE THE LEADER YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE!’

Keith’s next move was a blur, suddenly Lance felt the impact of bloody fist on face

“I NEVER ASKED TO BE LEADER, LANCE! IT WASN’T MY FUCKING DECISION!”

Oh no, oh no. Keith did not just punch him. What the fuck??

The two paladins raced towards each other. Fists raised and feet flying, they threw themselves against the other over and over again. 

Keith huffed as he made another pass at Lance’s face

“You’re so fucking annoying, Lance.”

Lance paused for a moment before completely launching himself at the boy and throwing him to ground. Soon enough, the door to Keith's room was packed with three other paladins.

Hunk ran into the room and pulled his friend off of Keith, restraining him as he flailed his arms and legs. The larger boy held Lance close to his chest, calming him down. Lance didn't notice earlier, but there were hot streams of tears running down his now bruised face.

While Hunk comforted Lance, Shiro went to Keith, but he jumped back and got into a defensive fighting position. He jumped out of the way of Shiro and grabbed his new knife from his bedside table. The brothers circled each other, Shiro trying to get Keith to calm down, but Keith was not here for it.   
Keith heard Lance try to speak to Hunk, to tell him he’d like to stand on his own, and Keith snapped for the third time that day.  
He launched the throwing knife directly at Lance and Hunk, the pair evading it just in time before the projectile hit the wall with great force and accuracy. That could have gone terribly bad had Hunk’s reflexes not been so good.

Shiro clutched Keith and held him tightly as he tried to evade the arms of the larger man. 

Hunk and Pidge scurried down the hallway to Hunk’s room with Lance in tow, eager to get the red paladin out of Keith’s general area for quite some time.

The situation in Keith’s room was no less stressful, Keith still trying to escape Shiro's arms. He wiggled and twisted about until finally, Shiro let up. Keith took this opportunity to bolt.

Meanwhile, in Hunk’s room, Lance was allowing panic to consume him. Not even Hunk could console the boy as he trembled and cried in the larger boy’s arms. Pidge did their best to help Lance as well, but nothing could be done until he finally wore himself to sleep, using Hunk as a pillow.

Even in his sleep, Lance trembled. The yellow and green paladins didn’t dare leave him. 

*

Keith needed to leave, now, but Black wouldn’t let him in. She kept refusing, saying that he needed to stay and apologize, and Keith almost launched himself at her (which wouldn’t have yielded any benefits), when Red opened up.

She understood, she knew he needed to get away. Keith dashed into the familiar cockpit of his old lion, and the two sped out of the castle undetected. He knew he’d miss the diplomatic mission that was coming up, and he had little food on the ship, but that wasn’t important.

After Keith had fully calmed down, Red tried to convince him that something really was wrong, and Keith finally gave in. In reality, the boy knew that what was happening wasn’t good, but he was so blinded by anger it’s all he could feel. Even red couldn’t calm him down until the pair was far away from the castle of lions.


	9. How to Shove a Plastic Hotel in Your Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's trip to Earth, and a lot of alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK BITCHES! The psych ward was super weird, and I took some time to myself for a while. I'm back now though! The next chapter will be angst again I promise. Hopefully, to be uploaded in the next few days, Thank's for sticking around!

What the fuck had he done. What the FUCK had he done. He was miles away from the castle in the middle of the night, leaving with no warning, and now his lion was lecturing him on his departure 

Being told that a bold decision you made was a bad one for hours on end was not Keith’s idea of a good time. Travel to Earth, however, would take another full day, so he wouldn’t get there until late the next night. He needed to see his psychiatrist as soon as possible. Something was really messed up with his medication, he knew it. There was no way all of this anger was happening so suddenly.

The next few days were silent and unsettlingly boring. He had no one to talk to, no one to train with, and nothing to do. On hour 17 he had a Paul Blart Mall Cop meme stuck in his head and he decided that this ride might be the end of him.   
Finally he made it to Earth at 2 in the morning the next day. 

He returned to his shack in the desert where all of his things were. Red stayed safely next to the small home. He’d slept plenty on the ship, so it was time to do the only thing he wanted to as he waited for the sun to rise: get blackout drunk.

Keith had acquired a good amount of alcohol over the years. He had a sizeable liquor cabinet and knew he could drain it if he really wanted to. He decided a few shots would be fine for now, maybe just enough to knock him out for a few hours. 

He loved the burning sensation of liquor pouring down his throat. He missed it. He started drinking when he was quite young, first just to be introduced to it, then he’d started to hang out with the older, rowdier kids at the foster home. It took a lot to really get keith hammered. The black paladin found an old case of beer in the back, his dad’s favorite. He knew it’d get him fucked up. The alcohol was so old it had fermented aggressively.

Soon enough, at the rate he was going, he was out cold and submitted to the arms of sleep

 

Keith was due for a doctor’s appointment, He knew his medicine was riling him up too much, he could just feel it. On an old computer he had laying around, he researched the effects of adderall and his other medications. Though he did not discover the reason for his temper, he did find out why his insomnia was getting worse, and why he had lost so much weight. His bipolar medicine, lamotrigine, he assumed had been causing sleep and eating problems. Either he slept all day, or not at all. HE immediately called Dr. Andrews.

“Hi you’ve reached West Houston Psychological Services, this is Claire speaking, how may we help you?”  
“Hey Claire, it’s Keith.”  
“Keith! Are you back in town?”  
“Yeah, needed to get away for a few days.”  
“I understand-”  
‘No she doesn’t’ Keith though  
“I believe that Dr. Andrews has an opening this afternoon, but Ms. Rachel is booked up for the next few days.  
“That’s alright, I just need to Dr. Andrews. What time?  
“2:00 pm, does that work?”  
“Perfect, bye Claire.”

He hung up.

*

Back at the castle, things were not going well. The red lion and her pilot were missing, gone god knows where, and the ship’s tracking system couldn’t find them anywhere. Lance had been pacing the halls for hours now, and he found himself at the bridge, where Shiro and Allura were trying to find any information on Keith’s disappearance.

Allura called Lance over to look at the data.

“It looks here that Keith and the red lion departed around 0100 the other night. He couldn’t have gotten far.”  
“Then why haven’t we found him yet!” Lance spat out.

Shiro looked at him in sympathy. Shiro had a distinct feeling of where his brother was.

“Lance, Allura… there is a high possibility Keith has gone back to Earth.”

*

He was on new medication, he had started to feel better, so why did he feel a spiral coming on? Fuck, he needed a drink.  
Dr. Andrews says he has a drinking problem, and that it’s making him more hot-headed than usual. But fuck that, Keith needed it to cope, and it was better tan slicing his arms like a professional chef preparing beef. He took a swig of his beer.

Then came the packing, Packing, packing, packing, packing. He had been on Earth for four days now, and he realized that he needed to go home.  
He made a list of what he needed.

1\. Booze. Lots of it.  
2\. Sketchbook and pens/markers  
3\. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo By Stieg Larsson, his favorite novel  
4\. All the medication the pharmacist would give him  
5\. More clothes  
6\. His dad’s pocket knife

That was it. Once all of the items were in the bag, he headed into red, stopping for a moment at his motorcycle. Could she come too?

Keith huffed. “Why the fuck not?” He wheeled the bike into the lion.

It was going to be a long ride. To pass the time he drank, a lot. Red was growing increasingly worried but pushed on in the direction Keith told her to go. Luckily, no Galra ships spotted the pair. Keith lay off the alcohol for a while until he received a transmission from the atlas/castle/whatever home was called now on the second day of travel. 

Keith declined the message.

He wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet, but if they didn’t need him, they at least needed red.

When the large ship, his home, was spotted by the red lion’s scans, Keith panicked. He didn’t know what to do at this point. Turn back? No, he couldn't, the team needed red. So he drank more, as a way to deal with the questions he was about to be bombarded with.

*

Allura sighed at the message displayed on the screen in front of her. “Message Declined.”

Pidge piped up, trying to lift people’s spirits. “At least we know he’s coming back… We should do something to distract ourselves.”

Suddenly, the small paladin got an idea. “Space monopoly!”  
Hunk gave her a high five, “Hell yeah!”  
Shiro nodded and smiled, “I’m in as well, Allura?”  
“Um, Sure, can we play it in here so we can keep an eye on Keith’s location?”  
“Absolutely.”  
Lance was not convinced quite yet, he was worried sick and only wanted to focus on Keith.

“...Lance, you playing?”  
The boy in question sighed and sat down with the rest of the team minus Coran, who was off making repairs somewhere.

Suddenly a wild Kosmo appeared, who for some reason had not been with Keith when he left, teleported into the room right as Pidge and Hunk were setting up the board, and rested behind Lance.

It wasn’t long until the game of space-monopoly got aggressive. 

“HUNK I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE THIS PLASTIC HOTEL THING UP YOUR ASS”  
“Kinky.”  
“PIDGE!”

“Lance, that is actually an Altean castle! It is an honor to place that on the game board.”

Shiro laughed and sighed, “I did that once… got stuck in the Garrison med bay for a night.”

A response of, “Shiro, what the fuck?” Was said in unison by the other three paladins, and they heard the doors to the control room open.

Keith’s world was spinning, he was tripping over his own feet and his head hurt like hell. The fiery liquor that filled his body was the only thing propelling him forward. He heard his friends yelling in the control room, and he pushed the doors forward.  
Suddenly, the world faded to black as he stumbled into the room. Just as the doors slid open, he laughed a little at the shocked expressions of his teammates. “H-hey g’ys.” He said with a slur. Then Keith Kogane blacked out.

*

Keith was not expecting to wake up on the lap of Lance Freaking Serrano, who was playing a cold pack to his head, slowly coaxing him awake. While he was out cold, the Alteans and Shiro had done a scan of his body, and his team was looking over it now. His blood alcohol content was too high to be healthy.

When Keith came-to, Lance brushed the hair off Keith's sweaty face, blushing. Keith mumbled and turned around, thus almost falling off the couch. After that, he clung close to Lance’s chest, still a little drunk. “Mm, y’r warm,” He said, nuzzling his face into Lance’s neck. Lance flushed a deep red and stood up, the black paladin in his arms. Shiro noticed him as he walked out, nodding to him with a knowing smile.

Lance lay Keith down on his bed and sat down next to him as he started to fall asleep. As Lance tried to leave, Keith awoke again, stretching his arms out like a child grabbing for something.

“C’mere… stay..”

Lance couldn’t resist the boy’s face, especially not after Keith was curled around Lance, breathing softly, their chests rising in sync.

It was night by now, so Lance figured he might as well stay.

Why the fuck not?


	10. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions are made, oxygen and blood are lost in large quantities. Hearts ache and bodies shake with fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitches i'm still writing. A few inspiring comments pushed me to throw this at y'all. WARNING: this chapter is a mESS and probably really triggering!! be careful children!!

Lance snuck out of Keith’s room in the wee hours of the morning. The stench of alcohol still on the black paladin’s lips, the ones Lance wanted to kiss so badly.

Lance sighed as he crept through the castle halls. “What’s gotten into you, Keith?”

… 

When Keith had slept off his hangover, Shiro goes to him to have a brotherly conversation. Since Keith has skipped breakfast that day, Shiro had no choice but to go to him and confront him one-on-one. Shiro knocked on the door, and without waiting for an answer he walked in to find that the leader of Voltron was still sound asleep. The older man sat on the edge of Keith's bed and shook him awake.

“C’mon, Keith, we gotta talk.”  
“I don’ wanna, not yet.”  
“It’s either with me first or I ask you in front of the whole team, which would you prefer?”

Keith hid under the covers and made a sound that resembled “you,” so Shiro continued his interrogation. Keith completely opened up and told Shiro everything. About his medication, almost stabbing Lance, how he felt the team didn’t need him, about the cutting and his drinking problem. Shiro knew everything about Keith now, and he knew the team would soon too. Once Keith confesses everything, Shiro allows the boy some more needed rest. 

Shiro walked to the common room, hands in pockets, as the whole team was waiting for him to explain everything he knew. Naturally, he told them everything.  
Hunk asked the question lingering in the air, the one everyone was wondering. 

“Is Keith going to be okay?”

“Honestly… I don’t know, but we need to keep an eye on him.”

…

Meanwhile, in Keith’s room, he turned the hot water of his shower on and allowed it to cascade over his body. It was scorching, burning his skin as Keith allowed tears to slip out of his eyes. He deserved this kind of pain. The kind of pain that he felt in his soul. He was the fuck up of the team, the hot-headed, half-Galra, weak link. Sure he could fight, but that’s proven to be more of a problem than a solution, especially after he almost killed the boy he loved.

But Lance would never love him back, Keith was positive. Who could love this mess?

Blood fell down his arms and legs in a beautiful waterfall of red. Keith loved the stinging pain of the water running over the wounds. He loved the scars and the release the cutting gave him. He knew it was wrong, he knew it would cause problems one day, but Keith could feel the release while he could. If he had nothing else, at least he had this. The only thing he could ever feel was anger, anyways, so why not feel a little pain?

Out of the shower and dried off, Keith threw on boxers and bandaged his legs, allowing the remaining blood to seep through. Just as he was finishing up bandaging his arms, he heard familiar voices at the door.

“Hey Keith, It’s Hunk and Pidge, can we come in”

“Hold on I’m no-”

Just then the gremlin known as Pidge stepped in the door, and announced, “Too bad, we’re coming in anyway- Keith...”

They stopped in their tracks as Keith was putting on his sweatpants. The black paladin stopped too, staring at his two friends in front of him. They saw everything. How skinny he was, the bruises and cuts littering his torso. Keith looked like he had gone through a blender at half speed, battered, bruised, and bloody. He pulled up his sweatpants, embarrassed, and rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to get angry.

“You guys should've waited to come in…”

Hunk scooped the black paladin into his large arms and held him tight, much to Keith’s disapproval. He winced as Hunk brushed over freshly bandaged wounds, and the larger man quickly put Keith down. Pidge looked as if they were about to cry.

“Keith you… you can’t keep doing this… we’re all so worried about you.”

Seeing Pidge so upset about him of all people is what broke Keith. He thought he had cried enough, but Pidge pushed him over the edge and the dam opened. He wrapped his arms around the green paladin, careful to ensure his wounds would not be touched, and cried into their shoulder.

He didn’t like feeling so weak in front of everyone, but he had already been so exposed and so… vulnerable. There was no going back now as Keith pulled back and sat on the bed.

“I’m sorry I just… This is how I cope, this is how I deal with my thoughts and emotions and everything that goes on. Space is stressful, guys. I was in a hospital on Earth for a few days but nothing has helped, I just feel that I’m so broken and no one can help me get back on my feet.”

Pidge and Hunk sat on the bed next to Keith and looked at him with sad eyes.

“Keith… we all love you so much. We want to help you but we don’t know how. Please, tell us why you do this, tell us what we can do to stop you from being so miserable.” Pidge leaned into him as she spoke, tearing up silently. They hated to see Keith so upset.

“I dunno I just… I feel like the whole team hates me for my race and my temper. I didn’t ask to be this way, and I’m trying so hard to work on my anger but I feel like nothing is working. And I can’t fix the fact I’m half-Galra! On top of that, I have the worst unrequited crush an- fuck. I just… I care about the team so much, yet I feel so… expendable.”

Keith poured all of his emotions into Hunk and Pidge, allowing everything to finally come out. All of his thoughts that have been trapped in his heart and soul were finally released. He told them everything. How he felt about Lance, why he cut, why he’s so angry all the time, and why he hates himself so much. The other two just sat and listened in silence, understanding that Keith just needed their support. This went on until Keith finally wore himself out, and Hunk and Pidge were asked to leave the room.

As soon as they left, Keith knew he fucked up. He couldn’t go on living knowing that so many people knew exactly what went on inside his head. E was fed up with the world, so it was time to end it all. The team didn’t need him, especially at his most vulnerable. His whole life was going to shit and he didn't know how to handle it. Everything was too much for him. So he took a pen and paper out of his and wrote. 

“Dear paladins of Voltron, I don’t belong here. 

I don’t belong standing by your sides every day and fucking everything up. I don’t deserve to be here with you all, let alone anywhere. Everything is going to shit, and I can’t take it anymore. If anyone finds this in the morning, I’ll be gone. I’m throwing myself out of the castle, so there’s no mess for any of you. 

Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, you all know everything, I don’t care anymore, so please feel free to tell everyone, but let me tell Lance myself.

Lance, I love you, so fucking much. I can’t handle the fact that you’ll never return those feelings, but it be like that I suppose.

Thank you all for being such incredible people, and don’t let my absence inconvenience you. I love you all like a family, but I don’t belong.

Goodbye.”

Though short, It was what Keith needed to say. He was worn out from this whole day, and everything he’s had to face recently. He was just so… tired. He was completely and utterly done. So before ending it all, he downed his last bottle of vodka. The liquid burned his throat, but he didn’t care, he deserved that burn. He chugged it like it was keeping him alive when truly it would be the last thing he’d do before he died.

Grabbing his razor, he stumbled out into the dark hallways of the castle, as night had started to fall. Dinner would be soon, but he’d never go to a family dinner ever again. It’s not like anyone wanted him there, anyway.

Just down the hall was the airlock, waiting for him. The small room that would send him out into the void. Opening, closing, and locking the door, he sat down in the silent space and relished in the calm for a while. He wouldn’t release himself until a little later, he needed to punish himself even more. Soon enough he was nothing but torn flesh and blood. Pure red flowing down his arms and torso. He could feel himself losing consciousness as he heard yelling and footsteps. Before he knew it a screaming Lance was right in front of him, desperately trying to get to the weak, bloody boy. He slammed the release button with a small smile.

…

Three minutes earlier….

Lance knew something was wrong when Keith didn’t show up to dinner. The other paladins desperately tried to convince him that Keith was probably just asleep, Lance wouldn’t listen. He loosely jogged to Keith’s room, not bothering to knock when he reached the door. Inside, his heart sank. He saw a bottle of liquor and a letter. He raced to pick up the frail, tear-stained paper.

“I’m throwing myself out of the castle….”

“Lance… I love you.’

Before Lance was finished, he was yelling for Shiro, the only paladin he knew had his armor on. When he heard Shiro’s frantic footsteps, he raced down the hallway to the airlock room, where the most horrific sight he’s ever seen was laid out in front of him.

“KEITH”

Lance pounded on the glass door, absolutely shaking with tears and sorrow, along with pure fear. The boy he loved was right in front of him, dying. Before he knew it, Keith smiled weakly and pounded the button that would eject him into the vast, oxygen-lacking void of space. Just as he left the castle, Shiro arrived, but before he could stop him, Lance was launching HIMSELF out of the castle, leaving Shiro to panic and race after the love-struck fool.

Lance held Keith tight, he hadn’t made it far, and only had about ten more seconds of life. Lance desperately shouted loving words as he clutched the bleeding, skinny boy in his arms. He'd be happy if the final words ever were "I love you." The two crying paladins could feel the oxygen leaving their bodies as the threat of death loomed over them. Shiro made it to the boys in record time, shoving them into the still-open airlock door. 

The sweetness of life flooded into the pair’s systems, right before everything went black.


	11. an explanation...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a note from the writer

Hello. I suppose I owe you all an explanation. Perhaps I will give it to you and perhaps not, but for now hopefully this will suffice for now.

 

I went through a lot from September 2018 until now. Many of you probably know I made a trip to a behavioral health center, also known as a mental hospital, in mid February. I came back a lot healthier, but still healing.

 

As I right this to you I’m doing alright. I no longer need writing as a coping mechanism. However it dawned on me today that I need it in my life. I can’t continue functioning if I don’t have the stability of writing. 

 

This fic, known as “Love-Hate Relationship” will be thoroughly edited and reposted chapter by chapter. Hopefully all chapters will be reposted in a very short time frame.

 

Thank you all for your patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you forgive me. new works coming very very soon.


End file.
